Today has been one of those days when I feel overwhelmed and disorganised. I think it's probably hormonal craziness or coming back from holiday, but I've really struggled today. I'm so frustrated with myself and my personality. I so wish I found making decisions easier. I hate that I have actual arguments going on in my brain with myself most of the time and I don't know how to stop them. I have successfully made some epic decisions in my life but when it comes to career and a job, I can't even figure out what I want. I hate that.
Often when I sit down to write my blog, I don't quite know what is going to come out. Tonight it was a bunch of emotional stuff that poured out of me in paragraphs; sentences all starting with "I hate". I don't often let myself feel things deeply, but tonight I cried. I cried out all the frustration and anger I have about myself and my lack of career goals. About being in my 40's and progressively earning less since I left university. What's up with that? I'm not going to share all the thoughts that are mangling around in my head as I'm hoping that by tomorrow I will feel better about the world and really no one else needs to see them.
I've been reading a lot about my personality type and it's actually explaining so much to me about myself. I now know why I'm perpetually exhausted and that I need a job where I can fully focus (the last two jobs I've had have involved constant interruptions so perhaps that's part of my challenge). I am easily overwhelmed and often argue with myself in my very busy head, yep this is a thing for lots of people. I was beginning to think it was just me. Jobs that require me to focus on small details or do repetitive work are going to frustrate me and I should do something creative and am apparently of the personality most likely to start my own business. I read that I really need my job to allow me to be authentically me or I feel frustrated and stuck and that's soooooo true for me. I also have the personality type that finds it hardest to figure out what they want to do as a career. At least now I know I'm not alone, but it doesn't really help me figure out what to do or how to earn money while I figure it all out. It does explain a lot about why I feel frustrated a lot of the time, like there is something just out of my reach, or some part of me that is aching to come out, if only I could figure out where she's hiding. Perhaps it's my inner Karen and all the mangers in the world better watch out if she ever breaks free.
Then I have thoughts like, what if everything I think I want is not really what I want but is what I think is expected of me or what I've been trained to think I want. What if I really want to work full time and do a job that makes me feel alive and creative and pays well and allows me to learn and grow and collaborate with interesting people. I think that might actually be what I want, but I can't want that because I'm not in a situation to pursue that right now, and I hate that too. And then I hate that I hate it. Welcome to my crazy brain.
I think I need to go to bed and have a good sleep before I come across as totally bonkers and hopefully tomorrow will be a more positive day.
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